The late-day window
She Wants to Go Home From Her Own Kitchen: How to Hear the Request for Home Before It Turns Into Leaving
When she asks to go home while she is sitting in your house, the words are usually about a feeling of being unsettled, and that feeling often eases with changes you can make in the room without arguing about the address.
She is sitting in the kitchen you have cooked in for years, and she says she wants to go home. It can sound like a riddle, and it can be hard not to correct her. You do not have to. The request for home is usually about a feeling of being unsettled rather than a wish for a different address, and that feeling tends to respond to things you can change in the room.
Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.
What the request is usually about
Home can mean the house she grew up in, an apartment she left decades ago, or simply the place where she last felt sure of the day. Late in the afternoon, when the light turns orange and then gray, familiar rooms can start to look strange. Lamps that were on in the morning may be off, shadows move across the floor, and the sounds of the day wind down. The question 'Can we go home now?' is often her way of asking for steadiness.
What to check before you answer
Look for the pattern before you look for the cause. Notice the time the request starts, whether she has eaten, whether she has been sitting still for a while, and whether the television or radio is loud. Notice whether the same words come back in the same room. A question that returns at the same hour is useful information, because it shows you where the window opens.
Then check the room the way she sees it. Turn on the lamps before the light fades rather than after. Close the blinds if the window reflects the room back at her. If a coat or a bag has been left by the front door, move it out of sight, since it can seem to start the question.
What to say back
You do not need to argue about where home is. Try warmth first, with something like 'Tell me about the house you grew up in,' or 'Let's sit here a while and you can tell me what you remember.' Many people settle once they feel heard. If the request keeps coming, a warm drink, a familiar song, or a slow walk through a room she likes may do more than any explanation.
Signs the request is moving toward the door
Watch for the request turning into standing near the front door, checking the lock, asking where the car is, or reaching for shoes. That is the point to offer a task in another room, and to be the one who opens and closes the door, calmly and without fuss.
When to bring it to her doctor
If the request keeps coming back through the evening and nothing you try changes it, write down the time it begins and what seemed to help, and bring those notes to her doctor. If you want the whole evening laid out step by step, the order of the evening guide walks through it.